Welcome to Ask Skyla, AllBright's advice column giving you the chance to ask the hard questions about careers.

Whether you've got a tricky HR situation, need some direction, or are angling for a raise, our resident career coach Skyla Grayce is here to help.

This week, Skyla helps a reader learn how to communicate her boundaries without burning her bridges...

Dear Skyla,

How do I set clear boundaries with my clients AND my friends without feeling like a mean person?

I've had a sticky situation with both a client and a friend (who I was doing some work for) in the past where each asked for more than I was willing to offer or they were pushing past what was originally agreed. I ended up saying 'yes' to them because I felt like if I said 'no' I'd piss them off and that would taint our relationship.

How can I check in with myself to stop this from happening again, because it means I get tired, stressed out and resentful.

Dear ‘How do I set clear boundaries’, 

Boundaries start with the relationship you have with yourself first. 

Often when we are unable to hold a boundary, it is to do with an imbalance between how we view ourselves versus how we view another. On some level, we seem to see the other as more important and this can leave us feeling confused as to why we are constantly making sure they are ok, at the expense of our own wellbeing. 

We feel we need to do ‘right’ by others even at the cost to ourselves. But, if I may make this clear, doing right by others actually starts by doing right by ourselves first. When we say ‘yes’ when we mean ‘no’, as you mention in your letter, we will always find ourselves in a real pickle. 

As you are already observing about yourself, when this happens we can become exhausted, aggravated, irritable, overstretched, under-resourced, and overcommitted. We feel ashamed when we can not deliver what we promised on time or to the best of our ability due to over-promising, taking on too much or simply agreeing to something we shouldn’t have. Appeasing others’ needs like this often means neglecting our own. Knowing our own needs means we can then communicate with clarity the boundaries of how we work, and feel confident when we need to say no.

A lack of boundaries can be seen as self-abandonment, sabotage or betrayal. These are strong words, but when you really look at what it is you are doing, you're choosing to be uncomfortable instead of taking the risk of making someone else uncomfortable. 

Brené Brown puts it well when she says, “How can we expect people to put a value on our work when we don't value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries?”

― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

The first thing to bring your awareness to is this: this is your pattern. 

When you say ‘Yes’ to someone when you mean ‘No,. it is not about them, it is about you.

Go gently as you take this in, as I can almost guarantee this is not what you are wanting to hear. It is far easier to blame others and put your experiences down to bad luck or a run of mean clients.

Instead, I invite you to look at the mixed messages you are giving and how this then sets you up for feeling burnt out and resentful. 

A rule of thumb you can be sure of is that almost everyone is after a deal, most people will be cheeky enough to ask for that little bit extra for that little bit less. Your job as the mistress of your self-employment is to draw the lines of how to be vigilant when valuing your time, resource, energy and expertise. Being very clear about the parameters of how you work and why this is to be respected.  

If your customer/client doesn't like it, that's ok. Not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. Rest back and relax until someone comes along who will respect your boundaries. You don't have to take every client on. The work you do and the people you choose to work with has to work for you too. Especially when considering if you are able to work for your friends, as you are going to need to separate the friendship from the job and ask them to meet you as a professional. This can be hard if they have not met this side of you before. 

Boundaries at work or in life are not about building walls, or armouring up; it is about being clear and communicating your needs honestly with courage and clarity. To be clear is to be kind. The clearer you are about how and why you work as you do, the more information you can give on why you have these boundaries. You will be surprised how when you uphold and share them how they begin to be honoured and respected.

Ultimately this is a journey to find your voice and know completely that your needs matter. 

You see, every time you cross a boundary and surrender to the client/customer you are betraying yourself in some way.  This becomes even more frustrating when you realise that it is you who is making the choice to allow the boundary to be broken. It is you that is making it acceptable for them to behave in that way. So, go easy on yourself as you start to wake up to how you are enabling the dynamics that are at play with your clients. 

Business is not personal but when we have a lack of boundaries it can feel extremely personal. Putting in structures to serve you, your business, and your client too, will make you feel much more supported, and the whole process more enjoyable - for all parties.  

You write, ‘I've had a sticky situation with both a client and a friend’. A wise woman once said to me ‘The way you do one thing is the way you do everything’. You can do your own research here, it's staggering and actually why I now enjoy the washing up!

It won't just be in your business you are allowing people to take advantage of you. Start to observe how this behaviour presents itself in ordinary moments every day - at the corner shop, with a friend over a coffee. Allow your mind to be blown by how easy you try to make things for others and how hard you can make things for yourself. 

You deserve to be happy. Boundaries are a way of giving yourself the freedom to feel more energised, more inspired, and ultimately, more at ease.

It's time to learn to love the sound of saying no. Begin a new relationship with your voice, and appreciate hearing yourself speak up. This is how you will build trust with yourself. Then watch as your self-esteem starts to grow as you build your boundaries and reconnect to your self-worth.  

When we say ‘no’ and mean it others are able to respect our ‘no’ and support us in upholding it. Therefore my question is this, what is your relationship to the word ‘no’, and how does it make you feel when you say it?

My invitation to you is to start saying ‘no’ to small things within the ordinary nature of your day. Offered a cup of tea, but not thirsty, try saying, ‘No, thank you’. Lean into the possibility of offending someone and sit in how uncomfortable you feel. This is your spiritual gym now. 

Be ok with disappointing others and start finding the joy in saying yes to yourself. 

Warmest, 

Skyla