We’ve all been there. A project doesn’t go well… you’ve choked in a presentation… your workload has gotten away from you. And your manager has booked in some “time” to “chat.”

Cue the Jaws music. Being anxious about getting feedback - and doing anything in your power to avoid it - is natural. In fact, it may even be biological. 

Researchers at Harvard and the University of North Carolina found that it’s so intrinsic to want avoid negative feedback that people will reshape their social networks in the office to avoid those people who give it. And we have a physiological response that doesn’t feel like a warm hug. According to TED podcast Worklife With Adam Grant (looks like Brooke's back on the motivational podcasts - Ed.) we tense up, our breathing gets shallow and our ego is so threatened that it starts to limit the information going into our brain. Which is particularly concerning because for the the most part, feedback is key way for us to learn and improve. 

Oftentimes, how you receive tough feedback comes down to the trust you have in the person sitting across from you. Do you trust their intentions? Are they participating in good faith? You need to figure that out, because there is a difference between criticism and feedback. This is an idea discussed by Carly Fiorina, who was the first woman to run a Fortune 50 company, on podcast The 9-to-5ish. 

Carly explains that feedback is something you need to hear that is true and that will help you get better. “In other words, feedback comes from from people who care about your success. And the content of it is designed to help you be more successful. That is feedback. It doesn’t mean feedback is easy to hear. Feedback is often very difficult to hear. But it is designed to help you become stronger and better and more successful from people who want you to be stronger and better and more successful. Criticism is ‘I don’t like you…’ and ‘I don’t like what you’re doing…’ and it is not intended to help you get better. It’s intended to hold you back and cut you down.”

Experience matters too. Research shows that people who see themselves as experts on a subject, or consider themselves experts, are more eager to hear negative feedback, while novices are more likely to seek positive responses. The reason is intuitive: when you’re starting out you need encouragement to keep going. When you’re more experienced, you feel more secure and your focus is going to be on progressing and improving.

As for how to handle it, keep in mind as you go into a meeting that may include tough love, you’ll be judged for how you respond to your work performance being judged. Again, Carly had some great advice for what to do: “The first thing I would advise is don’t respond. Ask another question. When we hear tough feedback our immediate reaction is to defend ourselves and respond and counter. What happens when we immediately respond is we get into a back and forth instead of learning more.”

According to Carly, the way we can learn more in any situation - even when faced with tough feedback - is to ask questions. Things like:“tell me why you feel that way’ or “give me another example” Or “why do you say that?” Carly explains that all of those responses illicit more information, which is what you need when you are hearing something difficult. It also buys you more time to process that information. “Then say something like: “you’ve given me a lot to think about. I’d like some time to think further about it. And then I’d like to get back together with you.”  

What not to do: Sulk. Shut down. Catastrophise. This might be an opportunity to improve and turn a corner in your management style/work process/understanding.

And if you’re giving it, please please please avoid the praise sandwich. You know, where you wrap the important critique in some half-hearted praise? Be warm but be direct. Something Gwyneth implemented at GOOP early on was framing these difficult-but-necessary conversations with a simple phrase: “can I talk straight?” This lets someone know they are about to get some direct feedback. And also permission to ask the necessary questions to move forward from that point. Sounds good.