I have a theory. But first, let me share a recent conversation with someone I was ostensibly working for without compensation.

 If I already disgust you beyond belief, please stop reading. It’s going to get worse.

ME: I’d like to talk about a fee going forward. 

THEM: Absolutely, it’s just that blah blah blah and I absolutely love what you’re doing for us but blah blah blah and can you keep doing it and we circle back to this conversation in a few months due the the budget already being blah blah blah. 

ME: Of course, I completely understand your position and the economy and the resourcing issue and let’s circle back and see where we stand in a few months. I’m so pleased you’re enjoying the content. 

When I returned to my body afterwards, my first thought was WTAF? The second, had I fallen victim to garden-variety flattery? We creatives are easily wooed by pretty words. But then I thought about it more. I do value myself. I do want to be compensated. In fairness to me, when I started the work it was part of my role… and when it moved outside of that scope, I continued with the work fully intending to negotiate a fee. And then time got away from me. But for want of a better idiom: why should she buy the cow when she’s getting the milk for free? 

Here’s the problem: When I booked in that meeting to discuss compensation, I was agitating for myself. The me that has grocery bills and skateboarding lessons and a mortgage and two decades of experience under my belt. The me who is worth something to the business. I’m straight on these points. So what happens when I’m at work and in a meeting? I think I start to feel sorry for the person in front of me, who I know is trying to run a business with shrinking budgets. I tell myself that my manager is stuck between a rock and a hard place - loving my work but unable to wring cash out of the finance people. And my team-player values kick in, shot-circuiting any part of the conversation that was intended to advocate for me, the individual. 

This realisation made me feel slightly pathetic. Definitely like a cliche. But also for the first time, completely aware of the internal conflict that happens when I am both trying to impress upon someone my value and worth… while also trying to advocate for my needs. It seems the two cannot co-exist in the one conversation. And might explain why I can’t say I’ve ever had big wins on the “asking for a pay raise” front. A half-insightful manager can see me coming a mile off. I radiate gratitude. I want to be that person who is easy.

At least, that’s how it was until my light bulb moment. Otherwise known as the kick up the pants I needed to make changes. 

In the past, research told us that as women, we earn less because we ask less. But that narrative has shifted, as more detailed studies out of Australia have revealed that we are actually asking, we’re just not getting. The margin isn’t as wide as you might think: Women who asked obtained a raise 15% of the time, while men obtained a pay increase 20% of the time. This might seem marginal, but over a career it really adds up. 

So the question: how do I stop my priorities from flip-flopping at precisely the moment when I need to be self-serving? 

In her book Secrets of Six-Figure Women, Barbara Stanny talks about the traits common to “under earners,” or women who undervalue their potential. It includes a high tolerance for low pay (tic and a willingness to work for free and live in financial chaos (tick, tick), to list a few. In some creative industries, there is also that sentiment that doing the work itself is the privilege, with the pay being secondary.

Being prepared is part of it - and then not straying off course too much if your manager starts playing the violins. To stay on track, bring a list of  your contributions and show any progress you’ve made on previous feedback. Apologising is a no-no too, as it gives your manager an out before you’ve even asked. And practise. Role-play. Be assertive in other parts of your life, to build that muscle for when it matters most. Oh, and perhaps most obviously, do not work for free. I was about to write unless X, Y & Z, but there I go again. Just do not do it.