Pictured: Stanford professor Kelly McGonigal

I don’t remember when I realised I was a pressure cooker, which is to say, that I was someone who was reasonably calm until I lost my sh* completely. I think it was around the time I began juggling work with small children...

I have friends who cry when they feel overwhelmed, and others who lose their appetite. Regardless of these different stress responses, however, the one thing we all feel is a deep sense of shame—or even stress—when the cracks show. And that’s because society/self-help books/psychologists tell us that stress is toxic. 

So much of what we do in the name of organisation and wellbeing exists to control or dial-down our stress levels. Time management tools ensure we don’t get overwhelmed. Decluttering is designed to bring more calm to our homes. Exercise boosts those feel-good chemicals that cortisol, the stress hormone, can diminish. And then there’s everything from infrared saunas to mindfulness apps and treatments galore, all promising to help short-circuit the fight-or-flight mode that we’re told modern day life puts us in at all times. 

And of course, it’s well-documented that when we experience stress, our body can enter a state that is toxic. In flight or flight, we are in survival mode. Our ability to make decisions is impaired. We don’t recruit insights or emotional intelligence in the same way. Damaging inflammation increases in the cells of our body. And hormones then impact our immune system and damage our brain cells. We’re fighting the bear or running from the bear. And it is bad. 

But the weird thing is, even though I know I have a busy life that is certainly full of stress, I find it hard to relate to this description of stress. Because while I do lose it sometimes, and I would like to feel more in control of that, I can’t say I feel like I’m in survival mode. Surely that would feel terrible. And for the most part, I feel busy… but okay.

So it was with interest that I read The Upside of Stress, by Stanford professor Kelly McGonigal. She says there are also positive types of stress. And that by changing our mindset we can ensure we are accessing that type of stress, not the damaging kind.

There is the challenge response to stress, which McGonigal says gives you energy, helps you focus, increases motivation, and is not necessarily toxic to our hearts and our immune systems in the same way as fight-or-flight. She describes this kind of stress response as happening in situations where you are rising to a challenge—and you have confidence that you won’t fall apart under the pressure. Studies show this kind of stress response helps people do their best in a range of stressful situations, from athletic competitions to academic exams, performing surgery, or even having a difficult conversation. This one sounds familiar.

The next, and lesser known, she describes is the tend and befriend response. Rather than flood your body with energy-boosting hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, this response boosts oxytocin, the hormone that helps us connect with others. This response leads you to be with friends and family; ask for help; and also feel motivated to support and care for others. And it has health benefits, like reducing inflammation. Researchers believe this is why people who are caregivers don’t experience the same negative impacts from stress, and also why parenting (super stressful, at times) is actually associated with greater health and longevity. 

What is also emerging in research, says McGonigal, is that we are biologically designed to learn from stress. “Your stress response can increase neuroplasticity to help your brain learn from the stressful experience.” 

And this is where the rubber hits the road: McGonigal says that if you expect stress to help you and recognise your own natural capacity to thrive under stress, you will be healthier than if you fear, suppress, or try to avoid stress. In fact, you’ll be more likely to thrive in stressful circumstances. Studies have shown people who interpret a racing heart or sweaty palms as a sign their body is giving them energy to perform under pressure, perform better. They make better decisions. They impress people more. How you think about stress matters so much, says McGonigal in her book, that it predicts the outcome. 

All of which means this simple mindset shift could very well help a person avoid blowing her top, balling her eyes out or losing the will to eat.