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Motherhood

Why Am I So Triggered When Women Quit Senior Roles “For Their Families”?

There have been a few news stories recently of women in the public eye leaving senior roles. Here’s why it has left editor and mother Brooke Le Poer Trench feeling unsettled.

Radio co-host Jane Kennedy recently announced her decision to leave her program because juggling the needs of family amid the ongoing global pandemic had become too difficult. She was quoted saying at the time: "I tried to make both work but it’s just become too hard to keep that balance in check so I’m waving the white flag.” And then there was the departure of Samantha Armytage, who left the top-rating breakfast show, Sunrise, after being largely credited with its loyal viewership and success in the ratings. After a tough year personally, she admitted to wanting time with her precious family and a chance at slow-living. 

Why does this make me feel so unsettled? Like many working mothers, I love both my jobs. The one where I am a paid and valued member of a team, using my twenty plus years of industry experience to contribute. And then there is my job at home, as a mother and reluctant housekeeper, where I face a bottomless pit of domestic chores and co-parent three children who seem to constantly required upskilling to parent. And while I love the balance, I have doubts. The juggle is hard, and I have found myself fantasising about the momentary relief that I might feel if faced with a redundancy offer.

As a voracious consumer of podcasts and TED talks, I have some insights as to why I can feel both committed to my choices… and also like I’m standing on a fault line. First, I’m one of the only woman in my family who has chosen to combine motherhood with a career. And I say this because I know that when the people you love and respect make a completely different set of choices, and you don’t have many examples of women following your path, that naturally creates some uncertainty. I love them, but I’m not like them in every way… so what does that mean?

In some ways it has given me a stronger sense of conviction. I know I want to work. There have been plenty of times in my life where I could have chosen the path of full-time motherhood, especially after the birth of each of my children. When the idea of introducing work back into the mix felt so overwhelming, I had to listen to my gut. And there it was every time… a kind of urgency in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t shake. This feeling motivated me to reach out to colleagues again. Look for commissions. Throw my hat in the ring for project roles, half hoping the company wouldn’t call me back. Say yes to meetings, even when I wondered how the hell I would look awake and sound intelligible.

"I know I want to work. There have been plenty of times in my life where I could have chosen the path of full-time motherhood, especially after the birth of each of my children. When the idea of introducing work back into the mix felt so overwhelming, I had to listen to my gut."

Brooke Le Poer Trench, Editor

Another thing that fuels my doubt—and is particularly triggered by mother’s who make public claims of needing more time with their children—is the comment I’ve heard from more than one well-intentioned friend: “You really have to be there on the school run, because that’s when they tell you things.” This is obviously true. But I’ve had periods of doing the daily grind, and so I know how it works. I might pick up my kids up 20 times and on the 21st I find out ‘the thing.’ Is it worth ending my working day at 2.30 for those moments? Can’t I have that conversation at 5.30pm once I’ve rushed home? Maybe… maybe not. The truth is I will miss things. But the truth is also that my children will gain from watching me work, especially my daughters. And I do take comfort in that. 

There is anger too. Choosing not to work, it could be argued, is a privilege. I love my family. And while I will happily admit that I work for my own sense-of-self… that does not mean I do it for fun. I work to contribute meaningfully to our financial life. When my husband was made redundant a few years ago, I left my part-time job and found a full-time one. And so when I hear women saying they are essentially leaving out of a commitment to their children, there is a voice inside me that fires up and cheers me on: You are working because you are committed to your children. You juggle because you are investing in their future and wellbeing. You sacrifice time with them to provide for them. And this rage surprises me… but I also like it. It’s a reminder that while doubt and guilt will always be there, beneath that is the voice I choose to hear.