The politics of pet names in the office, and how those regular “minor” offences add up to a heap of discrimination

Sexual harassment , pregnancy discrimination , the gender pay gap … The most obvious examples of sexism in the workplace get the most airtime. While the more subtle, seemingly mundane kinds of everyday sexism, the ones that help lay the groundwork for more “serious” discrimination to take place, are often overlooked. Pet names – babe, sweetie, hun, darling, love, the list goes on – casually dropped into conversation are one of the most pernicious ways women are kept “in their place” at work. By demeaning and belittling fully grown professionals, these saccharine monikers make us feel powerless. “Research suggests such names might be more common in sectors where women are in the minority, for example, the construction industry,” says Kate Sang, professor of gender and employment studies at Heriot-Watt University’s Edinburgh Business School. “These are the sorts of sectors where ‘banter’ is common and seems to be an important way of showing who is part of the group and who is excluded.” People who use them might also have “a conscious need or desire to undermineunderline a woman at work, to highlight her ‘femininity’ over her professional expertise”, says Prof Sang. Surprise, surprise: it’s most likely to be demeaning when used by senior male colleagues to younger women. “In workplaces where authority and seniority is assumed to rest with male colleagues, to refer to women as ‘honey’ or ‘babe’ is belittling and identifies her as a sexualised woman, rather than a professional manager to be taken seriously,” she adds. Vicky Charles, 38, a self-employed marketing professional in Salisbury, has been called countless nicknames throughout her career. “‘Babe’ is a particular pet peeve but there have been lots over the years,” she says, adding that these usually come from coworkers at the same level. Nowadays, being self-employed, it’s particularly difficult for her to call out these colleagues. Most recently was a few weeks ago, by someone working closely with a client: “I was called ‘babe’ all day, every day, and I was terrified of saying something in case it lost me the client. “For me, the problem is with assumed familiarity,” Vicky continues. “It can show a lack of respect – in the same way as shortening someone's name without being introduced to them as such.”

Hannah*, 24, a customer service advisor in Doncaster, has been called love, sweetie, honey, duck, hun, babe and darling by both men and women, colleagues and customers. “Women usually say ‘honey’ or ‘sweetie’, while men use ‘babe’ or ‘love’.” Like Vicky, Hannah particularly dislikes babe because “it feels like a Noughties trashy man trying to come on to you”, especially when it comes from a customer “because I’m less acquainted with them”. Indeed, it seems especially common in service jobs for male colleagues, clients and patients to address female workers with pet names. Morgan Byrne, 18, a former shop assistant from London, was frequently called love, darling, sweetheart, babe and honey at work by “middle-aged men”. Of pet names, she says, “They piss me off because I’d be wearing a name badge that they could easily read,” adding that it was “degrading and embarrassing” to think those who addressed her in this way “thought they were better than me because they knew I couldn’t call them anything back”. It’s a similar situation in parts of the US, according to Jacinda Pender, 22, from Georgia, who previously worked in retail and was called pet names “too many times to count” by “white middle-aged men who had white-collar jobs”. “When you work in retail you have to get used to them, but it can become a pain, especially when you don’t know how to respond,” she says. The sector’s “customer is always right” mentality meant Jacinda was always “uncomfortable and too nervous” to call customers out. “I always had to keep it professional, even if something made me uncomfortable – customer service was our first priority,” she explains. In healthcare, too, pet names appear to be rife and many women feel they demean their professional status. Melissa*, 40, a registered nurse at a veterans administration hospital in North Florida, tended to patients at their bedsides throughout her 30s and was regularly called pet names by older male patients. “Often I thought the person was calling me ‘honey’ because he had forgotten my name,” she explains. “But other times it felt demeaning to be called honey, darling or sweetheart at work. I doubt most people address their accountant that way, and I’m also a trained professional.” Melissa suspects these men might have often avoided using her name to assert their power. “The man was usually wearing a hospital gown instead of street clothes and I had a great deal of control over what food he was served, what medicines he received and so on. I think calling me honey was a way to feel some power in a situation where he was powerless.”

Context is, of course, key when deciphering whether or not using a pet name in the workplace is OK. “People may want to show they can be less formal at work, and use pet or nicknames,” says Prof Sang. “It’s important to remember there are pet names that form part of natural conversation between people, including colleagues, and it’s quite possible no offence is meant or taken.” The friendly use of pet names seems more common among some communities and age groups than others. Hannah says most people who use them towards her “are over 35 and working class, as that’s the environment I’ve always worked in”. She believes the vast majority mean no harm, but that they should first consider their colleague’s age, gender and status.  In the American South, pet names are also often used to form rapport. “Some customers meant well by calling me sweetie and baby, especially Southern older people, but the rest, majority being men? Absolutely not,” says Jacinda. Several women we spoke to said they don’t mind, and even enjoy, when other women call them pet names. Sala Walter, 19, a retail worker in Sydney, says she finds it “comforting and sweet” to be called these names by women. “Especially if it’s a woman I know and respect because I find it endearing and it can make a stressful day at work a little bit nicer,” Sala explains. But when it’s older men, particularly those she doesn’t know well, it’s uncomfortable. “Sometimes they can appear condescending, patronising and patriarchal,” she adds. It’s understandable why many – if not most – women might not call out those who fail to address them by their name in the workplace. “No one wants to be accused of not having a sense of humour, which is a frequent accusation where someone takes offence at ‘banter’,” says Prof Sang. Indeed, Vicky says she thought nothing of confronting customers who called her “babe” when she worked in a pub, but says, “In a more professional office environment I don't think I ever pulled anyone up on it for fear of being labelled as the serious one who can't take a joke.” To anyone wanting to rebuke those calling them pet names at work, Prof Sang recommends speaking with them privately to make clear it’s not acceptable and to define professional boundaries. If the behaviour continues, she suggests having an informal chat with a union representative or a member of HR “to ensure any company policies are being adhered to and to find the best way forward”. Melissa believes the use of pet names should be discouraged or even banned in offices, but in service jobs like hers she accepts it’s difficult to regulate customers’ actions. Her solution is to set boundaries. “I start with, ‘My name is Melissa,’ in case he has just forgotten my name. The next step is, ‘I don’t like to be called honey at work – my name is Melissa.’ Often, that offends him.” She concludes: “Women are trained very early to make others comfortable, even if it means being uncomfortable ourselves. I’m learning to reject that norm – maybe I’ll offend my patient by asking him not to call me sweetie, but objectively I know it’s a reasonable request and it establishes a boundary that prevents my discomfort.” *Surnames have been withheld to protect interviewees’ identities

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