Confession: I’m sick and tired of what’s-next thinking. I’ve had enough of… trying to figure out the “road map”… searching for someone who will mentor me…. “Leaning in” to the small opportunities hoping someone notices I’m destined for greatness (or at least a slightly better job and a touch more money)… pushing beyond by comfort zones. Do you know what I mean?

In the last year I have pushed myself into all kinds of new experiences, all in the name of being professional and proving to myself and others that I’m worthy. I’ve spoken on panels, chaperoned VIPs, appeared on television, worked on days I’m not being paid to ensure I stay on top of my work, done menial tasks to keep projects on track… and asked in all the right ways for more responsibility/money/opportunity. And I just need a break.

I’m wondering if I should just tread water for a bit. Do my work. Sure, complete it to a high standard. But maybe I could also just then stop at that point.  After all, the kids slouched in the back of the class learn just as much as the ones ramrod straight in the front? Okay, poor example. But you get where I’m going with this. It might be the year to chill. 

Of course, that’s easier said than done. I think I’ve always had that simmer in my belly. That inner voice that keeps asking: so, what’s the plan? Is this working? Do we still like this? Is this a good spot to nest for a while? 

One reason I want her (the annoying inner voice) to shut the hell up (which is rude, but I’m saying it to myself so it doesn’t matter), is because I see people around me who appear to be settled. Coasting, I guess. And I can see there is plenty to gain: you can get really good at your role. You can simply enjoy the relationships around you. You can feel competent and in control. And you’re not distracted by job alerts.

Someone was explaining to me recently what to do in a rip, which for non beach-goers, is a narrow, fast-moving channel of water that starts near the beach and extends offshore. Way offshore. If you get stuck in one, it’s frightening as it drags you out to sea. My friend said: “the best thing you can do is stay calm. It's not going to pull you underwater, it's just going to pull you away from shore. So just go with it. Eventually you’ll be able to get back.” The best survival strategy, she says, is one where you allow yourself to float. 

In a way, a job can sometimes feel like this. You’re being dragged away from the direction you want to go in. It’s not leading you right where you want to be. And it’s out of your hands when you will feel safe again. 

I couldn’t stop thinking about this idea of the rip. The feeling that I’d been paddling against one for so long just hit me. Reaching for the shore. Or rather, searching for that next role that will feel more secure and challenging and promising. So I’m going to stop for a bit and let it drag me. I’m going to see what happens when I do my job, and stop obsessing about the career part. I’m not saying it’s forever. But even just for a few months, I need a holiday from myself. There’s less disappointment this way. That part of me that wants so much more, she can be tiring. So the next time someone says “go big or go home”… well, I guess I’ll just say I’m heading home for a bit.